• Dear school: "Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28th, 29th, 30th, 31st, 32nd and 33rd."
• Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was hurt while playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
• Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He had very loose vowels.
• Please excuse Tom from being absent on Friday. He had diahrea and his boots leak.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It is his father's fault.
• Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him and did not find him till I began making the beds.

*Anguished English by Richard Lederer